Bah, stress sucks.

The show is coming along really well. Tech was yesterday, and I had to fill in for Becky since she was doing something else. Wasn't that big of deal. Only 3 scene changes (not including preset) but they're all really prop-heavy. I'm a little upset that Brian's wedding has interfered with me not being able to do opening night and second night, but that's how it goes. Sometimes I think this wedding is casuing more problems than it's worth.

I'm also really stressed out from all the stuff I have to do before the last day of classes. Presentation for Social Ethics (due Wednesday), 8 page final paper for Social Ethics (due next Monday), Cyberspace online professional portfolio (due next Tuesday), 42 posts each on this blog and the class blog, and 20 page essay for Non-Fiction (due next Monday). Luckily all I have to do for study days is study for Spanish (my final is on the last day, December 22nd, at 8am) and write a maximum 10 page paper for Evolution (due December 19th or earlier). It's going to be a rough couple of weeks, espeically with the show sucking 4 hours out of my life every night.

My worries don't exist.

Snow! Snowsnowsnow! Not that I really love snow, but it's good to have snow on the ground when it's December. 60 degree weather doesn't make the word "winter" concrete, snow does. So, now I know what time of year it is. I could do without the wind that makes my face frozen.

The DestructOFest essay is coming along. About 2 pages into it and I already hate it, but that's how most of my essays go. The beginnings suck and the conclusions suck. The stuff in the middle is generally really good.

In other news I took a shower today for the first time in 6 days! And it felt so good. I should think about doing it more often.

Then, now, and hanging on.

It's hard to deal with my boyfriend's past. I don't like hearing about it because I wasn't a part of it. But it's especially hard to deal with the girls he's been involved with: either friendly or romantic. Some have tried to keep in contact with him, which I don't mind. And I know that I've been bitchy toward a few, and that has kept them away from him. But why should I keep them away? It's his decision, not mine. If he wants to talk to them, he will.

One girl in particular blames me. She's afraid to speak to him because she thinks that I will "berate" her. Yes, once I did attack her, telling her I hated her and that I don't like her interacting with Chad. It was a mistake. It's not my choice to tell her if she can and cannot talk with him, it's his. Recently I've been staying out of the drama between them, allowing them to work it out. And apparently Chad hasn't been speaking with her, yet she still blames me, saying she doesn't want to continue on leaving him messages because of me. She says that they were so good together as friends, and she can't understand why someone would give up on that (her and Chad's relationship). She tells him he can't live his life alone and he can't live it allowing the few people in that he does.

It makes me laugh, because it's as if she knows him still. It's as if she knows exactly what is going on in his life. He's alone? She couldn't know that. I'm here for him whenever he needs me, he is never alone. And he has his parents and his friends. He's not alone. And as for the fact that he "gave up on" their friendship, well, people change, and so has Chad. Maybe he didn't "give up", maybe he just realized the friendship wasn't exactly the healthiest or best friendship he had and he didn't want it any more. Maybe there were things she did that ended it.

I know these two were close at the end of high school. I know she "has dibs" on him because she's known him longer. But I've gotten a lot closer to him than she ever was, and while he's pushed her away, I've remained. I know she's made mistakes that might have cost her their friendship. I've made mistakes, too. But when it comes down to it, I'm not the one that made the decision to end the friendship: he did. I'm not the one that made the mistakes that helped him make the decision: she did. I wish she would realize this. I wish she would realize she can't continue to blame me for the reason he's not talking to her. Maybe then he'd come around and talk to her again. But maybe not.

Dial 595 - Escape

Break has been pretty good so far, I suppose. Been staying up late and sleeping in. But it's just what I do when I'm home. Or anywhere for that matter.

Wednesday I went to see JennyFur, which was nice. I missed her. I met her new puppy Diego. He bites hard! And has to wear a diaper. We watched some movies and ate dinner and I got picked on by her dad, which is nothing new.

Thanksgiving was all right. Grandma came over, which is always a pain. Can't hear for shit, but we dealt with it. Took dad an hour to get her 'cos the roads were so bad and he couldn't see. Food was good, but the turkey gave me bad gas. I took an hour nap between dinner and pie, and after pie Grandma left.

Today I basically watched TV and waited to hear word from Chad about DestructONation stuff. Apparently things didn't go so well, but things will be better tomorrow. I'll be there. I can't wait to see him. Even if I do have to get up at 8 in the morning to do so. Bastards.

This rage will never go away.

Right now I'm sitting in my bed, wishing I had more than two pieces of French toast for dinner. Emily let me out of rehearsal so I got home around 5. I've been avoiding going to sleep. Not sure why. Being home sort of depresses me, but I love my parents and my dog. I didn't miss being cold all the time. For my "I in Culture" paper I've decided to write about DestructOFest. I will have more than 20 pages worth of material. I don't know if I want to write about the history of it or if I just want to leave it at DOF. Everything on the Chad front is good. Of course there are the problems. And as for the drinking, I've been avoiding dealing with that shit at all. Not much remembered from the previous weekend. I was drunk, I smoked pot and then whoa, I'm throwing up all over the kitchen table. "Sixteen dimensiosn later..." Woke up on the couch. Sleeping in a corset isn't fun.

I'm ready for bed. Maybe.

Lovely lovely rainy day.

So I wrote my 2000 word essay for Non-Fiction on Trivial Pursuit. I can't help it, I'm obsessed with the game now. Too bad it only came out to 1500 words. But at least I wrote it and got it into her last night. I didn't feel so bad about being absent Monday. And not only that, but Social Ethics was cancelled! And rehearsal, too! But I'm still going to see the showing of The Mikado, just so I know what it's about. May as well show up if I'm going to be considered for anything. So today has been pretty good, not as long as normal.

Sickness sucks.

For a week my neck was in extreme pain, just aching and not being able to move without hurting. I thought I had just slept on it weird on Sunday night since I was a little drunk. Friday night my head started hurting a lot more and my stomach was hurting quite a bit. I thought nothing of it, my stomach hurts a lot. Neil was over and I had a bunch of sugar so I was shaking all over and couldn't sit still. Saturday, Chad and I went to the mall to get a dress. I got a dress but things went less than smooth after that. When we got back, we went out and bought Trivial Pursuit.

We played until midnight, when I started to feel worse. Not only was my head hurting like hell, but my body was extremely cold and my face was burning up. I started to get scared so I called my mom. She was concerned because she thought I might have meningetis, so she was going to come over and take me to the hospital. She called my doctor, and my doctoar said that I had the shot for meningetis, so it most likely wasn't that, it was probably the flu.

So Sunday my mother came and picked me up, and I went home. My head and stomach hurt like no other. I stayed all of Monday and came back last night, in time for rehearsal. I was feeling much much better. After rehearsal, though, I started feeling crappy again. So I went to sleep and slept for 9 hours. Ugh. I still don't feel very good, but that could be because I'm hungry.

I just want to feel healthy again. >.<